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  • Joke of the day: "Banned from Sainsburys"

    by Nigel Ivy 3. February 2011 15:42

    Yesterday I was at my local Sainsburys store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

    Better watch what you ask retired people.

    They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

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    Humour

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    Different Strokes

    by Nigel Ivy 19. October 2010 09:08

    A priest, a penticostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.

    They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challange would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

    They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkleQ I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!But thst bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle."

    "We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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    Humour

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    Please don't hunt animals for meat, rather buy them from the supermarket where they weren't harmed!

    by Nigel Ivy 2. July 2010 16:07

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    Humour

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